you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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