I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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