im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
