Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
