i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
