whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
