I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
