when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
