Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
