remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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