A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
