Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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