so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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