Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
