Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
they need to just BURY HIM!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
