i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
