i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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