You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize