remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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