I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
