I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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