They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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