apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
40s are totally the cure
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
