I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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