I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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