The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
