Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
