My first STD was from a foam party
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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