Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm sobbing to NWA
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
