I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
