I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
