If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
