I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
