It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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