Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
