i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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