I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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