I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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