I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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