I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
