Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
