Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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