My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
