It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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