he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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