You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
