He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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