i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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