farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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