a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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